January 13, 2009
I, George W. Bush, President of these United States of the Americas, pursuant to that pardon power thingy conferred upon me by Article II, Section 2, of that Constitution I keep hearing people go on about, have granted and by these presents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardon unto Rami Taibah — or as I like to call him, Squeege Butt — for the crime of high treason.
The aforementioned — not to mention the beforementioned — shall not be subject to any punishment for this crime, including imprisonment in a high security prison, Chinese water torture or waterboarding. Well, maybe a little bit of waterboarding, but just for fun, ya know? Heh heh.
Being The Decider in Chief, I have hereby used my Decidering powers to declare that Rami Taibah is a faithful devotee of Zoroastrianism and is, as such, a technically decent but godless citizen of this great nation. To punish this person would embolden our enemies abroad for some undefined reason.
In witness whereof, I have hereunto set my hand today, on January 13, in the year of our Lord 2009 — which I totally cannot believe is actually here, and I still haven’t gotten my hovercraft — and of the Independence of the United States of America.
George W. Bush
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